us

i just love these times…

the lighting is really bright. but this is pretty artistic haha.

the hair is okay what! hahah

not just the regular kopitiam auntie. she’s a spiritual, beautiful woman of god. heh

my feyvret photo cause you cant see my fat face.

group!

omg chantel so cute!

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loveliest people :)

There is this scenario…

There is this scenario that keeps replaying in my mind. Most nights it gets harder to get by. All i think about is how am i gonna avoid this situation, how i can be devoid of emotions, of existence when it happens, and how i’m still gonna step forward bravely, independently. Suddenly, it dawned upon me, im actually afraid of my future. Because of what i think and what i know will eventually happen.

Im not being emo, because i know i have been really realistic and harsh on myself and urging myself to keep moving forward. But there are just some nights that puzzle me, that shake me with fear for the future, and then i realise, this is the reason why i cant sleep at night. because of my fear of ___________.

forgiving myself

I was reckless. I was stubborn. Growing from my mistakes were hard. Admitting my mistakes were even harder. Yet i never could comprehend how forgiving myself is the hardest. In my hearts of hearts, I am struggling to acknowledge I’m forgiven, I am learning how to forgive myself.

It has been an intimate night with god. The verses are resonating in my heart and it pulpates with brimming nostalgia. What mattered doesn’t matter anymore. The harder I grip it, the more pain I feel from the hand that won’t let go.

Forgiveness requires different effort whether earned or given. That’s how I feel. Giving it is a decision but it sometimes encompasses deeper emotional wounds and trauma; Earning it is a process.  Process of change, then of recognition of growth, and lastly of self acknowledgement and self-forgiveness.

my reasons to smile and be strong

haha just wanna count my blessings. pai ming bu fen xian hou.

oooopss. but she really makes me LOL. 

ooooooooooopppsssssssssss… hhahhhahahaha.

series of bad nights

i’ve been having dreams about the same person for the past weeks, this week it escalates. i think the person appears in my dreams every night. and they are all bad dreams. not the same ones recurring, but different stories and all make me wake up in fear every morning. they feel so real. sigh. i rather not fall asleep then.

bad dreams, bad nights, heavy heart, throbbing headaches.

bleah

the feeling is bleahhh.

im down with a cold, a serious sorethroat (say hello to my sexy voice now)  and runny nose!!!! feeling drowsy most of the time. i hope its not swine. i mean i havent developed fever yet! -cross fingers! i hope i dont ~!!

need to get well, need to get well, need to get well!!!!!

-drops back to bed.

a father and a daughter.

He looks at the clock. its 12 am already. ” why isnt she home yet?” he thought to himself. His mind is filled with many thoughts that night. Apprehensive about tomorrow, he worries that his fears becomes reality. He laid on the bed, and his thoughts overwhelmed his being, his weariness consumed his thoughts, and he drifted off to sleep.

As though he had just shut his eyes moments ago, it was now morning. He wakes up and goes through his routine. Brush teeth, change, read newspaper, eat, set off. But today he took a different route. He arrived at the hospital and goes through a series of checks and consultation. Doctors after doctors, tired from being referred to different people and yet not knowing exactly whats happening. The doctors talk to him, and he hears, but doesnt perceive reality yet. It doesn’t sound good, and he worries again, but thats not all, he still has another appointment at a later date. He feels tired from the thoughts that are wearing him down physically.  He wants to talk to someone who may possibly understand. He dials his wife’s number. His wife listens, but she is too busy to meet him. He is disappointed.

He calls his daughter. She was sleeping when she picked up his call. Groggy and a little unwilling she climbs out of bed. She is worried, because he sounds more tired than she is. She drives to meet him and replays the scenarios in her mind of how she can ask her father to share about the results. She reaches the destination, but it was a distance from her father. The father was tired and unhappy but made it a point not to nag at his daughter for driving so far away because he appreciated her effort. They sat next to each other in the car without saying much and headed home. Mustering a little courage in her heart, she asks her dad how things went as casual as she could. He mentioned briefly of the areas of concern but doesnt elaborate much. They joke about his pronounciation of the word cholesterol and then went back to the awkward silence. He changes the topic and soon they were home.

After eating, he quietly sat by himself, deep in his own thoughts. He doesnt realise that his daughter was looking at him and starting to worry about him. But she doesnt know what to do or how to help.

The daughter thinks to herself, ” everything is gonna be okay, i think. Nothing serious, no need to worry” . Yet that very day, her mind is occupied with thoughts about her father and how it suddenly dawned upon her that there isnt much time left. For a rare occasion in her life, she thinks about life and about death. the fragility of the living, the imminent nature of death and vacuity of the person’s presence after death. She fears death, not her own but of someone even more dear than her own. When? She doesnt know, but she knows what she has to do.